the Mac photobooth shot
Last week, I had a much needed session with my therapist.
Me: I think I’ve been trying so hard to fit into mainstream society, and I see that it isn’t working for me. I can’t maintain the facade for long. I haven’t been living according to my own rhythm. Maybe I’ve been terrified to trust it…
Therapist: And what would that look like for you? Living according to your own rhythm?
Me: I would be paid for my creative work. I feel that I’m on the right path with studying web and graphic design. I know I can’t sustain a conventional life at a desk. I’m simply not cut out for it, the same way I’m not cut out for running, waking up early, living in a cold climate, playing sports, or being in a relationship with a man. I see that I can’t take a conventional job again. Ever. That’s the lesson I’ve learned in this mess. I’ve been interviewing for a full-time position since 2008. Three years of interviewing. That’s insane. The universe is sending a loud message that this is not right for me. I’ve had contract work only since 2008, and usually work that’s not related to what I’m interested in. I’m cut eventually, I think, because companies probably sense that this isn’t what I’m that into, and you can’t fake your true emotions. Here I am, jobless once more in my life, not because there is something ‘wrong’ with who I am but because I’m meant for a different path. As far as I’m in a creative role, I believe I can somehow stomach the 9 to 5 life at a company in the future.
Therapist: But you said that you feel you aren’t cut out for that.
Me: Working at a desk 9 to 5 feels like a compromise I would have to make for money. I have fears that I’ll always be getting cut, that I’ll never have stability in my life, or that no one, even when I am at the level I need to be at as a designer, will hire me for a permanent position. I have confidence in myself as an artist. It’s the corporate life I’m afraid I can’t feign. I can’t fit in. I don’t fit in. That last office I was ultimately depressing. I was around so much misogyny, which was surprising in an all-women division, and women had the ‘supportive’ roles and men had the ‘powerful’ ones, profiting on the work women perform. I love working with women, and yet the undertone of negativity about other women from some of them was hard to take, day in and day out, and their expectations for what is acceptable at a company. I wanted to stack Bust and Curve magazines next to their low-fat snacks to turn the negativity around, and granted, it was not from every single woman in the office but from a high percentage, and I blame our culture. Without judging too much, as I realize I am, I’ve had to acknowledge that I’m not like them nor do I want to be.
Therapist: Perhaps they’re like a mirror for you, representing what you fear becoming.
Me: I guess. I’m not straight, not traditional, not religious, not conservative, not ‘all American,’ not interested in conforming to their conventional standard of what is beautiful and successful. I can’t hold down some conventional job because it runs counter to my energy. I liked cooking in restaurants, taking care of plants in a greenhouse, designing gardens, and stripping for strangers (!). I feel I’ve been given a kick & punch I needed to leave, and to exit the ‘entry-level contract positions’ of corporate America. No more.
Therapist: What about waitressing and being a freelance designer for now? Having your own web/graphic design business?
Me: If only I could snap my fingers….
I’m listening.
